FACTS   On Friday evening, May 15, 1992, CBS broadcast nation-wide a two hour special titled "Ancient Secrets of the Bible." In this program the following claims were favorably presented:

(1) The earth is about ten thousand years old.
(2) Humans and dinosaurs lived together, "fossil evidence" for this was displayed by a "geologist".
(3) Science does not contradict the belief that all current races and languages originated at the Tower of Babel at about 3500 BC.
(4) Present racial diversity could have arisen in one or two generations, as demonstrated by a "geneticist".
(5) An ancient Egyptian papyrus has been found that corroborates events described in the Biblical book of Exodus.
(6) The Ark of the Covenant and the tablets containing the Ten Commandments have been found under Temple Mount in Jerusalem, but were not recovered because the Arabs rioted.

FINDINGS  (1) All the above claims are false. There is no material evidence for any of them. (2) Misleading scientific credentials were attributed to some participants. (3) Fraudulent evidence was displayed.

JUDGMENT  Those responsible for "Ancient Secrets of the Bible" have:
(1) misled children and adults, (2) debased the standards of television broadcasting, (3) misrepresented scientific opinion and method, and (4) violated the dignity of Judaism and Christianity.

   The culprits responsible for this dishonest production are judged to be: (1) propagandists for Jewish and Christian fundamentalism, (2) CBS, (3) the commercial sponsors (over 25, eight brand names selected for sanctions).

SANCTIONS

(1) The following two slogans to be made public:
       NOAH HAD CRABS
       AT LEAST THE SECULAR HUMANISTS NEVER TORTURED A "WITCH"
(2) "CBS" to be said to stand for "CERTIFIED BS"
(3A) The following three trademark parodies to be presented to the children's oral subculture:
       BALL PARK SNOT DOGS
       KELLOGG'S FROSTED POOP FLAKES
       MAC ZITBURGERS
(3B) The following five trademark parodies to be propagated to adults:
       ANVIL FOR ADVANCED PAIN      CHICKEN TONIGHT - DIARRHEA TOMORROW
       MOTRIN IV    PREPARATION H SHRINKS EVERYTHING    ULTRA SLIM/FAT

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION.  SANTA is a decentralized communication process opposing deceit and exploitation of children by the media.  We use only education, rebuke, and satire.  No person's name may be mentioned. Anyone who loves the truth and obeys these rules may fully participate in SANTA.  If you can guess who this comes from, send me a copy (or leave it on my desk or car windshield) to let me know you want to receive future SANTA communications.

    Take not the word of truth utterly out of my mouth  . . .  Psalms 119:43